As someone who struggles with anxiety and anxiety attacks, I thought it would be useful to share with you want I have learnt about how to support a friend or family member who is having an anxiety attack. The advise in this post is meant to advice on how to provide the sufferer with immediate relief and therefore does not discuss long term treatment options such as medication or therapy. If someone you know is struggling with long term anxiety you may also want to look into the treatment options available to them and help them to access these. As with everything like this, this advice is based on my experiences and won’t be exactly right for everyone, you may have to tailor it for the personal you are trying to support.
What is an anxiety attack?
An anxiety attack is a sudden and intense episode of fear and anxiety. These anxiety attacks can sometimes occur unexpectedly for no apparent reason, but they can also be linked to specific triggers. “Anxiety attack” is not a formal, clinical term. Instead, it is a term often used colloquially by many people to describe all sorts of anxious responses. (Read more here)
What is the difference between a panic attack and an anxiety attack?
A panic attack is an intense and sudden feeling of fear, terror, or discomfort accompanied by several other mental and physical symptoms. Panic attacks usually occur out of the blue without an obvious, immediate trigger. In some cases, however, they are "expected" because the fear is caused by a known stressor, such as a phobia.
In contrast, anxiety generally intensifies over a period of time and is highly correlated with excessive worry about some potential danger—whether real or perceived. If the anticipation of something builds up and the high amount of stress reaches a level where it becomes overwhelming, it may feel like an "attack." (Read more here)
10 Tips to Support Someone Having an Anxiety Attack
Be honest if you can’t help them right now Before you try to assist someone who is having an anxiety attack is important to assess whether you are capable of helping them right. Put your own life vest on first. If you are too busy or stressed yourself, you should be honest about this. This is particularly important if the sufferer is a close relation to you as continuing to help them when you aren’t in the right place to do so will likely lead to long term resentment on both sides. Just because you can’t help someone right now it doesn’t mean that you don’t love them or care about them. If someone you care about asks you for support that you aren’t able to provide at that moment I suggest replying with something like: “I love you and I’m sorry that you are suffering but I am afraid I am too (blank) to help you right now. It’s not because I don’t love you or because I think helping you is a burden but I am just simply not available to help you right now because (blank). I will reach out later if I am in a better place to help you but why don’t you try asking (blank) instead for now. I hope you feel better soon.”
Acknowledge the severity of the situation For years I struggled with anxiety attacks (and still do lol) because I felt like I should be able to control them. Only through therapy and learning about anxiety attacks was I able to understand that the reason I struggled to control them was because of their severity. When your body enters that fight, flight or freeze mode even the simplest things can feel terrifying. Although you can learn over time how to better respond to them it can take years of practice. It would have been really beneficial to people if people had acknowledged the severity of what I was struggling with as it would have helped me to feel supported and like I wasn’t going crazy. You can do this simply by taking someone seriously when they appear to be having an anxiety attack. Act the same way you would if someone had injured themselves and needs immediate attention. Maybe all they need is a plaster and a hug but they need it now.
Help them to get to a ‘safer place’ One of the easiest ways to acknowledge the severity of the situation is help put distance between the person having the anxiety attack and the thing that has triggered the anxiety attack and to help them get to a place in which they feel safer. (This can be physically or metaphorically) This can be as simple as suggesting that you both put down whatever you are doing and go outside for a moment of fresh air. This will help them to put the situation into perspective while also acknowledging that they are in distress and need to stop what they are doing.
Encourage them to take deep breathes Anxiety attacks are often accompanied by a shortness of breath. Taking intentional deep breathes helps to prove to the body that there is no immediate threat. Don’t put pressure on them by asking them to breathe to a certain count as this may actually be quite difficult. Just tell them to breathe as deeply as they can.
Tell them that’s it’s okay that they are having an anxiety attack An anxiety attack can often create the feedback loop from hell in which the anxious person becomes anxious about the fact that they are having an anxiety attack as well as the thing they were originally anxious about and this obviously doesn’t help things. By simply reminding someone that it’s okay that they are having an anxiety attack and that they don’t need to hide it you can alleviate part of their worries. The worst thing you can do is tell them to supress their emotions because, trust me, they are probably trying and they probably can’t. Although the trigger might not have been rational the perceived sense of threat feels as if it’s real.
Tell them that their feelings are valid They aren’t choosing to have the anxiety attack. Once again, although the trigger might not have been rational, the perceived sense of threat feels as if it’s real. This may well be due to previous experiences or trauma. If you were in that persons shoes with all of their baggage and worries you might well be having an anxiety attack too. Acknowledging this can help to assure them that they aren’t going crazy and that they aren’t overreacting and that you aren’t judging them.
Remind them that they aren’t a burden A common worry of long term anxiety sufferers is their symptoms are a burden on those around them. It’s really helpful to be reminded that this isn’t the case. Remind that you care deeply about them and don’t find helping them difficult or annoying. As mention in tip no.1 it’s important to be honest if you can’t help someone. This will help to prevent you from feeling overburdened.
Remind them that this doesn’t change your feelings for them Another common worry of long term anxiety sufferers is that even if the people around us can tolerate us, that our anxiety has nevertheless negatively affected the relationship. It’s really helpful to be reminded that comforting someone when they are struggling doesn’t make you love them any less. (Once again it’s important to be honest if you can’t help someone in order to maintain a healthy relation!)
Give them a hug If you feel comfortable giving the person experiencing an anxiety attack physical affection then do. There are countless studies that show that physical contact provides immediate stress relief. This can be giving someone a hug, holding their hand, stroking their hair or whatever works in your relationship.
Take control of simple actions and decision Anxiety attacks can be extremely overwhelming them and can make even the simplest decisions feeling impossible to make. “Should I get some water? Should I go outside? Should I tell someone? What should I do? Agh!” Don’t forget that this is on top of the original anxiety that put them in this frame of mind in the first place. By taking control of these simple decisions you can help to alleviate some of the stress. The truth is it doesn’t really matter if you get them a drink or take them outside for some fresh air, they just need to feel support and to break the spiral of anxiety.
My final note applies to all of the above tips and that is obviously to make sure you have the consent of the person you are trying to help before taking any actions. The last thing a person experience an anxiety attack needs is to feel that they are not allowed control.
The easiest way to do this is to offer your support through questions. “Should we go outside for some air? Would you like me to get your a glass of water? Would you like me to give you a hug?”
The only exception is if you think that the person having the anxiety attack is putting themselves or others at harm in which case it may be appropriate to act without their consent.
I hope this post proves useful and as I said at the beginning, this advice is based on my personal experiences and may not work for everyone. If you have any advice or thoughts based on your own experiences I would love to hear them in the comments below.
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