In some ways I feel as if I am not very qualified to give relationship advice. I have only been in one relationship in my whole life. I do not have a wide variety of experience. However, on the other hand, I have been in that relationship for almost 18 months now and it’s been quite smooth sailing, even through this pandemic and multiple periods of long distance. So maybe I didn't just get lucky and maybe I am doing something right.
I am sharing this because these are the pieces of relationship advice that have resonated and stuck with me the most. These are the truths that I often come back to in times of doubt and insecurity. They define the way I think about relationships.
The advice here is also not cliché and I think there will be at least one thing here that you haven’t heard of before. These pieces of advice stuck with me because they pulled my beliefs in question and changed the way I think. They challenge me and help me to live more intentionally.
1. Find Someone Whose Flaws You Can Deal With
Every human being has flaws and our flaws can run quite deep. The key then is not to find someone without flaws, as that is impossible, but to find someone whose flaws you don’t mind dealing with. Can you date someone with a quick temper? What about someone who is always late? What about someone who never cleans or tidies their apartment? We will all have different answers and that is okay, the important thing is identify which flaws bother you personally. You cannot change a person, you must accept them with their flaws, but that doesn’t not have to equal a life of misery. It is very possible to find someone who, in your eyes, has no defining flaws.
The second element then is learning to cope with the flaws that you choose to accept. It takes practice but you have to accept that you will be dealing with these flaws for the entirety of your relationship. There is no point in getting upset about them, especially if it will not change your partner’s behaviour in anyway. This will only result in more of your own misery. This does not mean that you have to love your partner’s flaws, you just have to accept them and be able to put up with them, without constantly becoming upset yourself.
In her book ‘Motherhood’, Sheila Heti talks about ‘characteristic suffering’ which is essentially this idea. I recommend reading that if you want to learn more about this idea.
2. Decide What You Are Unwilling To Compromise On. And Then Be Willing To Compromise On Everything Else.
Many relationships fail because one person makes compromises they did not want to make and eventually feels resentment towards their partner. However, we are often being told that the key to a successful relationship is compromise. How can these both be true?
The key is to work out what your true priorities and values are and to refuse to compromise on these. I believe that we only get one life, and so we must make the most of it. Is getting married a crucial part of life to you? What about having kids? Have you always dreamt of living in a certain city? What are you unwillingly to compromise on? Write it down. Make a super clear list. And then refuse to compromise on these or you will end up resentful.
The difficult part is learning how to tell which priorities fall into this uncompromisable category. Personally, I imagine that you shouldn’t have more than half a dozen of these.
And then be willing to compromise on everything else (as long as you aren’t constantly compromising on a thousand things). There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, you will have to make hundreds of small compromises every day. They will want to store the ketchup on the side even though you definitely believe it belongs in the fridge. Their 6am alarm will wake you up everyday even though you personally don’t need to get up until 9am.
Again, the crucial thing here is to learn how to not be bothered by these small compromises. It will take practice. But it is worth remembering that if you choose to accept these compromises, then getting upset over them will again only cause misery for yourself.
My best advice for learning to deal with these difficulties is to regularly practice actively feeling gratitude for your parent. What do you love about them? What do you love about your relationship? If you regularly take some time to focus on this, it will help the minutia to fade into the background.
3. Expect nothing from your partner.
In Brooke Castillo’s ‘The Life Coach School’ podcast she says that you should expect nothing from your partner. That their only job is to exist for you to love them. When choosing a partner you should focus less on what you can get out of the relationship and focus more on the privilege of getting to love and spend time with someone who you admire and respect. When I heard this it was it shocked me, it goes against so much of the advice we hear about how to choose a good partner. But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense.
At the age of 20, I see my relationship as something of a side quest in my life. My main path involves my academic studies, my future career and the good I want to contribute to the world at large. My relationship is essentially just some fun I get to have along side that. I know that one day that will change and family will be more of a priority to me but I think that it will always be important to me to have some independence and a sense of self.
So when I step back and evaluate why I choose to stay in my current relationship, it is largely because I highly admire my partner. I think they are an awesome human being and I am excited to be around them. Exactly as I am with my friends. Relationships are a lot more like friendships that we often think. We don't expect a lot from our friends, we just enjoy seeing them, so why do we expect more than that from our relationships?
The problem with expectations is that they only bring you misery when your partner does not live up to them. Conversely, if you have very few expectations, then you can constantly delight in the nice things that our partner does for you.
You cannot love someone because they are constantly giving you their attention. They might do this at the beginning of the relationship but there may a time when one their family members is ill and they devote lots of their time to them instead of you. In fact, you almost want this to happen. If they don't tend to their loved ones, then maybe their attentiveness towards you was staged in order to impress you rather than because they were genuinely excited to be around you.
Instead, you should love them because they are caring and attentive. These are admirable qualities that you can appreciate in your partner.
Similarly you cannot love someone because they are constantly showering you with presents and taking you on nice holidays. They may lose their job or need to invest their money elsewhere one day. But if they are generous, and you know that they will always share what they have with you, no matter how big or small that is, then that is a quality that you can admire in your partner.
It is okay to have some expectations. You may expect that your partner will make time for you in their week. That they will be willing to listen if you are upset. In more mature relationships you may expect your partner to pay their share of the bills and to help look after children. However, the key here is to keep these expectations moderate and almost at a bare minimum.
And if they do fail to meet these basic expectations occasionally, then take the time to evaluate why they failed to meet them before complaining. If they failed to spend time with you this week because they were busy helping relatives who needed their help, then you should not be upset with them. You should admire that they made time for the people who needed them. Instead, reach out and offer your own support. They have probably had a long week and will be grateful if they can turn to you for rest and comfort. Paradoxically, this way you will be able to spend time with them anyway, but your focus should be on providing them comfort and not expecting them to go off on a fun adventure with you.
If they failed to spend time with you because they have had a busy week and they are poor at time management, then notice that this is not because they do not want to spend time with you. Instead, try discussing this with them. You could preschedule dates with them or offer to help run their errands with them so that you can spend more time together.
I like to see a relationship as team work. It is not about impressing each other, it is about being there for each other and helping each other. When there are issues in my relationship, I often find it helpful to think of it as us against the relationship rather than us against one another. Why is there a problem? What do we both need to do to help eliminate that problem? Even if you believe your partner is to blame, think about what you can do to help. Do you need to communicate more effectively so that they know when something is upsetting you?
Another great thing about all of these points is that if your partner also agrees with them, then they can be very freeing. It is a relief that to know that your parent is not bothered by all of your small flaws, or resents you for the compromises they have made or constantly expects a lot from you.
In Conclusion, the healthiest way to have a relationship is to expect as little as possible from your partner. Don't focus on their flaws or the compromises you have made. Focus instead on constantly supporting them and showering them with love. And you will always delight with joy when they shower you with love.
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